Hope everyone is doing well. I realize I have failed miserably at keeping this blog updated and I apologize. I have several "draft" posts started over the past several months but never got around to finishing them. I will try to at least get some pictures posted from the last half of 2010 so my kids will be happy with me. They love looking at themselves on the computer!
Some say the second year after a loss is actually harder than the first. In some ways, I guess that is true. Although all of the Dundee Weiers are doing exceptionally well, myself included, some things had to give and this blog was one of them. Thanks for understanding.
Recently, I was asked to speak at a retreat held at St. Marys. My topic was "Finding Strength and Hope in Jesus During the Storms of Life". We had a great turnout of close to 250 women! Many of you asked for a copy of my talk and so I thought I would post it on the blog too. Please feel free to share it with anyone I may have missed or that you think could use it. My hope is to help anyone who might be struggling with some of life's storms! Thanks!
“Finding Strength and Hope in Jesus during the Storms of Life”
Good morning and thank you to Fr. Steve for asking me to speak here today. My name is Betsy Weier. I have been a parishioner at St. Mary for close to four years now. In January of 2008 I attended my first Women’s Spiritual Enrichment Day. In a way, that day was the beginning of a renewed relationship with the Catholic Church. I distinctly remember Fr. Steve asking me to share my thoughts after one of the speakers was finished. I was hesitant to talk and his exact words to me were, “you need to step outside of your comfort zone” as he handed over the microphone. I remember feeling back then that someday I knew I was going to be asked to speak here. What I did not know then was how much my life would change in three short years.
I am forty one years old and for more than half my life, I would describe myself as being spiritual but not very religious. I believed in God and would pray to Him directly only when necessary. I was born and raised in the Midwest and attended Catholic schools from first grade through college. Growing up I did not get much out of going to mass and decided I did not need a Church in order to have a relationship with God. I would describe myself back then as a perfectionist and someone who was in control of her life. When things went wrong at home or in school, I would typically keep everything to myself. As long as I looked good on the outside, I thought I would be happy as a person.
During my twenties, my self-confidence was at an all time low. Even though I had just graduated with a degree from the University of Notre Dame and had a job working in the World Trade Center in New York, I found myself feeling very lost and alone; unsure of the direction I was going. I decided to move back to the Midwest to Chicago and get myself a husband. It was also at this time, that a dear college friend of mine suggested I go to Al-anon. Al-anon is a twelve step program for people affected by the disease of alcoholism. We have a family history of alcoholics and addicts and I thought why not give it a try? Maybe it would give me some answers to the struggles I was dealing with in all my relationships. The first three steps really struck a cord with me. They are: step one, admitted I was powerless over people, places and things and that my life had become unmanageable. Step two, came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. Step three, made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understood Him.
I attended meetings and felt relief as I listened to the speakers, but I never contributed to the discussion choosing to still keep all my problems to myself. I tried working with a sponsor but was hesitant to completely expose my emotional baggage. I thought I could create my own self-study version of Al-anon. I believed it was working because I slowly began to have faith in God and start to rely on Him for help.
FAITH
Hebrews 11:1 Faith is the realization of what is hoped for and evidence of things not seen.
There is a classic line of thought in Christian spirituality that says the way to test the validity of the faith is to act as though it is true, and see what happens. Shortly thereafter I met my husband Chris. Chris was the answer to all my prayers. He was incredibly smart, very handsome and loved me unconditionally in a way that no one had ever done before. Four years later we married. I remember people asking me then how I knew Chris was Mr. Right. I wouldn’t say there was one moment in time when it just hit me. Rather, I felt an acceptance from Chris that I hadn’t in my other relationships and as I like to say, it was just a given.
Like most of us, our marriage had its share of ups and downs. We definitely had our issues and a few habits that neither one of us liked about the other. Being the typical female, I would try talking (or rather yelling) at him and as the typical male, he would avoid conversation. I tried taking control of the situation and made him do everything from watch Dr. Phil to read books on relationships. I even asked him to see a marriage counselor. None of this worked for very long. But I never wanted out or ever considered leaving him. I knew I was where I was supposed to be.
Chris was very hard working and traveled a lot with his job. He would leave on Sunday for the entire week and we barely spoke to each other until the he returned home on Friday. This added further stress to our relationship especially when we started having children. We have three children. Matthew is now 8, Megan is 6 and Hannah is 4. Between raising our children, providing for our family, and Chris’ traveling, we found our time together did not go beyond what needed to get done over the weekend while he was in town.
This went on until four years ago after the birth of our third child, Hannah, was baptized at another parish. I was really struggling with being the perfect parent and knew part of this meant raising our children in the faith. I talked to Chris about my need to find the truth and really questioned “why Catholic?” Both of us were baptized Catholic but did not really know what it meant to be Catholic. I wanted to be sure that I could explain this to my children. Also at that time, my parents divorced after 43 years of marriage and my mom asked Chris and I to start attending mass with her here at St. Mary.
The decision to come to St. Mary changed our lives forever. Both Chris and I fell in love with this Church. Not only the beauty of the architecture but the amazing priests and staff that minister to the parishioners here. We began to discover everything there was to being Catholic and participated in many of the activities offered here in addition to attending mass. In the spring of 2008, Chris and I each attended Christ Renews His Parish weekend. Again, our expectations of the Church were exceeded and we both discovered something we never had in our marriage before…a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. For the first time, Chris and I truly lived our marriage as the sacrament God intended it to be.
PRAYER
Ephesians 6:18 With all prayer and supplication, pray at every opportunity in the Spirit.
One thing I learned from CRHP was that prayer is the best way to develop a relationship with Jesus. Since CRHP, I try to set aside quiet time each day to spend with Him. This is not always easy to accomplish given the ages of my children, so I began saying prayers while doing laundry and fixing meals or even when standing at the sink doing dishes. This lead to a new awareness of Christ’s presence in my life. I realized every day can be lived as a prayer. I do everything as if doing it for Jesus. When I pray constantly, it keeps Jesus always present and in the forefront of my mind. I am more patient and much less quick to anger with others, because I try to make prayer a habitual response to every situation I meet throughout the day.
Deuteronomy 6:4-9 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.
As a part of our faith journey together, Chris and I decided to attend Jeff Cavin’s Bible Study held here back on May 30, 2009. It was one of the greatest times we ever shared together. I remember learning so much from Mr. Cavin’s about the Great Adventure of the Bible, but in a way that was also very entertaining. I remember looking over at Chris throughout the day and seeing him laughing so hard that he had tears in his eyes. The study ended and Chris and I kissed each other good bye. We had driven separately that day because I was going to a girlfriend’s house afterward and he was going home to relieve his parent’s from babysitting our children. I called home an hour later to check in with him and was surprised when his mom answered the phone. She told me the West Dundee police had just come to our house to notify us that Chris had been taken by ambulance to St. Joe’s after collapsing in the parking lot at Woodmans.
I remember a scream coming out of me like nothing I have ever heard before. I believe my soul already knew what my body was failing to register. A little over one hour after saying good bye to Chris right here in the narthex of our Church, he was gone. Just like that. An autopsy would later reveal that Chris died unexpectedly from a thoracic aortic aneurysm. He was 37 years old.
STORM
Mark 4:37-40 A violent squall came up and waves were breaking over the boat, so that it was already filling up. Jesus was in the stern, asleep on a cushion. They woke him and said to him, “Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?” He woke up, rebuked the wind, and said to the sea, “Quiet! Be Still!” The wind ceased and there was a great calm. Then he asked them, “Why are you terrified? Do you not yet have faith?”
On the ride home from the hospital I thought about how to tell Matthew, Megan and Hannah who were just 6, 4, and 2 years old at the time. I knew my reaction and explanation to what just happened could scar them forever if I did not choose my words carefully. I made a decision right then that I refused to let their lives be ruined by this. Death was not going to win. Jesus overcame death and so would we. I prayed to the Holy Spirit to give me the right words to speak and with my parents, Chris’ parents and Fr. Steve sitting by my side I told Matthew, Megan and Hannah the doctors tried really hard to help Daddy, but he had died. I also said that even though we will miss Daddy terribly, an amazing thing happened to him because he got to meet Jesus face to face. It was then that I decided since Chris was no longer with us, Jesus was going to be our head of household.
Psalm 34:18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
With everything I learned from Al-anon and CRHP, the first thing I did was strap on my tool belt and get to work on living in this new reality. I dove into my grief therapy and decided I was going to fly through this course and graduate with honors. I started meeting with a bereavement counselor and even she said I was one of her A students. My children participated in their own grief share programs and I spent a lot of time helping them understand the magnitude of this loss. I also found a new friendship in our Blessed Mother. For the first time, I not only thought of her as the mother of Jesus, but also as the widow of Joseph. I could relate to her and began a devotion by praying the rosary on a daily basis. I relied heavily on the Church and the support of my family and close friends. All of whom went above and beyond the call of duty to help. I did a lot of reading on both grief and eschatology. I was curious to know what Chris was going through in the afterlife. I began journaling in a blog to have our story written down for the future when my children are older and have questions about this time in our life. And I began to exercise. I needed a physical way to relieve the pressure and anxiety that was building inside of me. I used to be a runner before having my children and so I got back into it and have found it to be a new passion of mine. I read once that the physical invigoration of exercise invigorates our spirits as well. I especially like running outdoors, surrounding myself in nature to feel closer to God and his creations. I enjoy listening to music and play it often throughout our house. Music can be very healing and inspiring. And I found time to play and laugh with my children! They are Chris’ legacy and I cherish my time with them. Every time I hug or kiss them I feel as if I get the chance to touch a part of Chris that is still alive and here with me on Earth. All this while trying to keep a routine and schedule in their lives. I knew they needed to still feel secure and have a sense of normalcy within the chaos of what had just happened to us.
So with my tools in place and my grief therapy at full speed, I thought I was prepared to get through anything, right? Not so fast.
I am reading a book on grief by Martha Whitmore Hickman. Recently I read a reflection that I want to share with you:
“In case we are feeling driven to somehow “get done with” our grieving (i.e., if I do it faster, maybe I will feel better sooner), let us be reminded that, as in many of life’s profoundest experiences faster is not necessarily better. Perhaps the reassuring thing about grieving is that the process will not be cheated. It will take as much time as it needs. Our task is to be attentive when the messages of mind and memory come. If we let them go by unattended the first time, they will probably cost more in the long run.”
I believe you can apply this lesson to almost any storm in your life. Experts say there are seven stages of grief. They are shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, testing and acceptance. I believe the grief cycle is not exclusive to just the terminally ill, but to all people who are affected by bad news whether it is the loss of a job, divorce or whatever affects you negatively. I also believe that you don’t necessarily finish one phase before starting the next. The order of the phases can be all over the place and each can occur more than once.
Several times throughout the past two years I had to learn this lesson the hard way. There are days when I feel a level of pain beyond anything I could ever describe to you. Worse than any labor pain I experienced while in childbirth. The pain of grief has touched a depth of my being that I did not even know existed. At these times, I find it hard to remember anything I have learned. I tend to slip back into old habits and try taking control of the situation usually by turning to food and alcohol for comfort. You would think given my family history that I would remember overindulgence in any substance is NOT a valid way to deal with sorrow or loss.
BE STILL AND OFFER FEAR UP TO GOD
Psalm 46:10 Be still and know that I AM God.
A dear friend of mine once shared with me these words, “Calmness is constructive of good. Agitation is destructive of good. I need not rush into action. I can first be still and know that God is God. Then I can act only as God directs me. Only trust, perfect trust in God, can keep me calm when all around me are agitated. Calmness is trust in action. I can seek all things which help me to cultivate calmness. I can be calm, true, quiet. I can feel a deep, inner security in the goodness and purpose of God.”
I know most of us want to run away during our life’s storms, but when my grief is really painful and needs attention, I must force myself to stop, slow down and take one minute at a time. Being still and acknowledging the pain forces me to face my fears head on. If possible I try to come to Church and sit in adoration. I literally close my eyes and envision myself holding the pain in the palm of my hand. Then I offer it up to Jesus. Through this I have learned that recognizing my grief and acknowledging my fear does not mean I surrender to them. Rather I surrender them to God. I am growing through my suffering and proving to myself that it cannot get the best of me. Because with God, I am stronger than any pain or suffering.
STRENGTH AND PERSEVERANCE
Isaiah 43:2 When you pass through the water, I will be with you; in the rivers you shall not drown. When you walk through fire, you shall not be burned; the flames will not consume you.
Notice that God did not say those things would not happen. But God will be with us. Through Him, with Him, in Him. God is with us in all things and they will not destroy us. In my ability to be still and calm my soul, I am mastering perseverance and learning to patiently endure my hardships. Through my relationship with God, I have found a strength from within that sometimes leaves me amazed.
James 1:2-5 Consider it all joy, my brothers, when you encounter various trials, for you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. And let perseverance be perfect, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
There is one more thing I would like to mention about surrendering. You cannot fully let go and let God without forgiveness in your life. Forgiveness of yourself, forgiveness of others and even forgiveness of God. I have been asked many times if I am angry at God or Chris or the doctors who failed to save his life. I can honestly say that I was never angry at God, definitely incredibly disappointed, but not angry. And I was never angry at Chris or the doctors, I was angry at Chris’ body for failing him and the situation it placed my family in. I did however, in falling back to my perfectionist ways, get angry at myself for not taking better care of Chris. In hindsight, I do think there were some warning signs that I ignored shortly before Chris died. But I was so busy taking care of our children, that I told Chris he needed to take care of himself. I had enormous guilt for not taking his cries for help more seriously. But over time I have come to forgive myself. I learned God loves me because of who God is, regardless of what I may have done or failed to do.
I recently read a column in The Observer by Fr. Ronald Rolheiser. He writes, “There is only one ultimate imperative in life. Before we die, we need to forgive. We need to forgive those who hurt us, to forgive ourselves for not being any better than those who hurt us, and to forgive life itself for some of the things that it dealt us, and not least, to forgive God for the fact that life is unfair, so as not to die with a bitter and angry heart. Gratitude is the fruit of that struggle.”
HOPE AND RESURRECTION
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know well the plans I have in mind for you , says the Lord, plans for your welfare, not for your woe!! Plans to give you a future full of hope.
I would never in a million years want what happened to Chris to happen to anyone. I am, however, very grateful for the wisdom and strength this experience has brought me. I have also seen many fruitful blessings come from this experience and give me signs of hope. All of my family and Chris’ family has grown in their faith and trust in the Lord. My children are thriving in every aspect of their lives. And I have a brother who is now in his fifth month of sobriety after fighting close to twenty years of drug and alcohol abuse. It is true this experience of loss not only helps clarify what is important to us, but also helps us know where we are and the direction in which we want to go. I am first and foremost a child of God.
1 Corinthians 13:7-8 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.
Clearly my relationship with Chris has changed, but our love is still very real and present. He may no longer be my earthly husband but he continues to be my soul mate. Death cannot destroy that bond. In some ways I feel like our relationship is even stronger than before he died. I like to say he does a much better job of listening to me now and I always get to have the last word!
And I have our memories. This might not seem like a big deal to you, but what you don’t know is that I have ALWAYS had a horrible memory. But recently out of no where, I will think of something he and I did together that was completely gone before from my memory. I know some of this is due to the clarity I am gaining as the shadow of death dissipates. But I have to believe it is also Chris’ way of letting me know he is okay and that he will always love me and never forget our life together here on earth.
And my hope for you?
Most of the time, we are so consumed by the pain we are experiencing the last thing we think of is to turn to Jesus. We want to be in control of our lives. Whatever the storms in your life are, I hope you will remember some of what I shared today. And to remember our purpose is to know, love and serve God in this life in order to be with Him in the next. You never know what your experiences here, including the storms in your life, are doing to prepare you for your job in heaven. I have given a lot of thought about that moment when Chris was face to face with Jesus for the first time. Oh what that conversation must have been like! Seriously though, I do think Chris and Christ would both want me to tell you to please plan beyond your earthly retirement and remember to prepare for your eternal place in heaven.
2 Timothy 2:11-13 This saying is trustworthy: If we have died with him we shall also live with him; if we persevere we shall also reign with him. But if we deny him he will deny us. If we are unfaithful he remains faithful for he cannot deny himself.
