Hard to believe....

It has been six months today that Chris collapsed and died suddenly from an undetected aortic aneurysm. Six months. Unbelievable. Some days I feel like it has already been so long and on others it's as if it just happened yesterday. I know it has been a while since my last post and I apologize for that.

So what to share? How much is too much information? I worry about getting too personal, but then remember that a lot of what I am blogging is to someday share with Matthew, Megan and Hannah in hopes to help them through future difficulties of growing up without Daddy here. So if you choose to continue reading, please follow these two "rules": 1) Please don't judge me. This is my story, my reality, and what is and isn't working for me and me only. And 2) As I learned in my mid-twenties when I went to Al-anon for awhile - "take what you like and leave the rest."

The truth is the past two months have been very difficult. Not that any of this has been a joy ride, but for some reason these past few months have really been hard. So why? We had a very nice vacation out to North Carolina and I really enjoyed being with the Weiers and my dad at the ocean. The ocean has a very serene, peaceful presence and many days I just sat outside watching the waves and listening to the sound of the water. It was very relaxing. But like everything else right now, it was bittersweet. We all needed to get away but found it still hard to be there without Chris. Death doesn't take vacations.

I got back from our trip and noticed something was different. To be brutally honest I found myself starting to lean on some not-so-healthy coping mechanisms. For the first time in my life I noticed that I was consumed by the thoughts of drinking. I have always been a social drinker but noticed that now I was watching the clock for the time when it would be okay for me to have a glass of wine or beer just to "take the edge off." And it was only 9 o'clock in the morning! Since I am pretty sure the definition of social drinking does not include with three kids under the age of seven drinking Juicy Juice, it was starting to became clear to me that I was drinking for pain relief and not to be social. I spoke to someone that I have a tremendous amount of respect for and he gently suggested that since my family has a long history of alcoholism, I might want to take a break from drinking and try to come up with some better alternatives for dealing with things.

So how to find some healthy ways to cope with the pain of loss. Here I thought I was doing everything right by seeing a grief counselor and going to weekly group meetings. I had the kids enrolled in a Rainbows program and we had read books on grief, had talked with each other about Daddy and how we felt. I was surrounded by the most amazing family and friends who continue to support me and the kids in every way possible. I was even starting to get used to the idea of being a single parent and head of household. I was making progress on taking over all the things Chris used to handle for us as a family, as well as the stuff I needed to do to settle his estate and the "business of dying". I was actually surprised to find out how helpful my prior life in Corporate America was. Yet one more way that accounting degree from Notre Dame has paid off!

And I had God. For those that don't know, Chris and I had both gone through a Christ Renews His Parish weekend in the Spring of 2008 that had completely changed our lives and renewed our relationship with Christ and our parish, St. Mary's. My faith is a huge part of my life and I have come depend on it as much as I am dependent on the love and support of my family and friends.

So why was the pain getting harder and not easier to deal with? I came up with several possible reasons. The first was that I was entering the "depression" phase of grief. Supposedly the stages are shock, denial, bargaining, guilt, anger, depression, acceptance. As I mentioned in a prior post, the numbness during the shock phase has wore off and everything I feel is really physically painful right now. My friend used the word "raw" to describe it. In the first few months the pain seemed to come and go with some breaks in between. But now it seems to be none stop.

I miss Chris all the time. I miss more than just my husband, my best friend, the father of my children...I miss Chris and everything about him. I miss his smile, his laugh, his sense of humor, his intelligence, his strength, his comfort, his security, his snoring, his piles of clutter, his clothes on the floor next to the hamper, his cooking, his way of making me coffee every morning, his calling me from the grocery store and saying "question for you" when I answered, his coming through the door at the end of the work day and saying "Well, hello!", his knowledge of just about everything you never cared to know, heck I even miss his driving! I could go on and on.

Second, after vacation I was faced with the dreaded holidays that everyone kept telling me are really hard after you lose someone close to you. Only I had more than just Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years to get through. I also had my 10 year wedding anniversary and my 40th birthday thrown in there. So just when I got through one "first" I barely catch my breath before having to face the next one. Again, it is just non-stop right now.

So I kept hearing the words "slow down and be still" in my head. And that is what I am trying to do. Even though I thought I was doing everything right since Chris died, I forgot to really slow down and take care of me. Luckily a lot of things I was involved in with the kids and at St. Mary were wrapping up and I found a lot of my days and evenings were not as busy as they were when school first started. Instead of filling that free time up, I have kept it open. Now I find myself at home more with the kids just being together. Just being in the reality of what our new family looks like with just the four of us.

I also have started going to bed earlier and trying to get more sleep. It is amazing what a good nights sleep can do for you! I am a much better mommy. I have even started laying down with Hannah during her nap just to recharge before the dreaded bewitching hour after school when all hell seems to break loose! And I have started running again. Yikes! It has been a really long time since I ran. I think the last time was when I lived in New York after college. Only this time, I am not running to get a break from my problems and to do's. I actually believe I am running with Chris(t). I listen to his iPod with all the Christian rock music that he and I finally found a common interest in listening too. Third Day, Jeremy Camp, The Fray are some of our favorites. It is our time to be together and I can honestly say that I feel a strength I have never had before when I used to run.

The best part of my slower paced lifestyle is sitting by the fire in my family room. I sit by the fire early in the morning before the kids wake up and again at night before going to bed. I just try to be still. This may not seem like a big deal, but my parents and brothers and sisters all chipped in and surprised me with a gas log in my fireplace for my birthday. Chris and I had never gotten around to getting one and I had forgotten just how much I enjoyed it growing up. We always had a fire in our fireplace back in Des Moines. It was so warm and comforting. It still is. It is EXACTLY what I needed right now and I am so grateful to my family for thinking of me and still trying to take good care of me.

All this to come to my amazing revelation that happened today on the six month anniversary of Chris' death...embrace the pain. Don't waste energy fighting it. Instead accept its existence so that it loses its power over you. I actually heard this several years ago from a little boy named Mattie Stepanek who was telling Oprah how he dealt with the pain of his terminal disability. He told Oprah by acknowledging the pain and making it a part of who you are, you learn to control it instead of it controlling you. By slowing down I am now forced to face the presence of the pain from this tremendous loss. Instead of fighting it and letting it weigh me down, I am trying to open my mind to it's existence and allow it to become a part of who I am right now. Kind of like the fact that I am now 40. Like it or not, I can't change that my age is a part of what makes me who I am. But I am not going to let it ruin my life. The pain is just like my age. Like it or not, I can't change the fact that Chris is gone and I am a widow. But I am not going to let it ruin my life. I used to tell Chris that one of the reasons I loved him so much was because he loved me unconditionally and he made all of my dreams come true. Nothing will ever change that. And because of his love, I am the mother of his three beautiful children and I am truly blessed.