The good, the bad and the ugly

Dear Matthew, Megan and Hannah,
I am writing to you on the ten month anniversary of Daddy's death. This post is for you to look back on someday and realize just how far you have come and how proud of you that I am for being so brave. While Mommy was very happy to be in a new year and felt like things were finally starting to look up, the three of you are just now beginning to understand the magnitude of what has happened. You realize now that Daddy is not just on another business trip. Each day it sinks in more and more that this is forever and these past few months have been really hard for you. One of the differences about your grief and mine is that, given your age, you don't always know how to express what you are feeling and so it comes out in different ways. You are easily agitated and very sensitive to things that do not normally bother you. There has also been a lot more sleepless nights from bad dreams, more bed wetting, more lying and aggressive behavior and now your school work is starting to be affected as well.

Matthew, just a few weeks ago, I found you crying in bed holding your picture of Mommy and Daddy. I asked why are you crying and you told me you did not know how you were going to do your Civil War/Westward Expansion project without Daddy here to help you. Together we decided to call Grandpa and Nana Weier for help. Grandpa Weier loves the Civil War and the three of you worked really hard to build a model of the First Transcontinental Railroad. You did so well you got a 100/100 pts. Way to go!

The other night after Mommy finished teaching Religious Ed, we had a date at Panera. After a lot of small talk, you said to me, "Mommy, I think one of us needs to get a job and since I go to school during the day, it should be you." When I asked why you were worried about this, you told me you were worried about running out of money. You overheard me tell Papa that my grief therapy in front of the fireplace (see previous post) was over because we had a $500 gas bill! While I was joking about it with Papa that we would have to switch to candles, I had no idea you took it seriously and became so worried. I am sorry that you have to think about these things now without Daddy here. I explained to you that Daddy wanted Mommy to be able to stay at home while you and your sisters were young and so that is my job right now. He did a great job of taking care of us to allow me to do so. You also told me again how worried you are that I am going to die before you grow up. I still don't know what to say in response to this one. I try as much as possible to explain to you that what happened to Daddy was incredibly rare and that God willing, Mommy will be here for a very long time to watch you grow up.

Megan, you are still having a lot of bad dreams and continue to want to sleep with me. You are so good during the day but then everything seems to fall apart with you after you go to bed. You and I are both exhausted from this routine and I hope that someday soon you will find some way to comfort yourself back to sleep. You are also very protective of Daddy's things. You do not want anything of Daddy's to be touched or moved. Just last Sunday after church, the St. Vincent de Paul ministry was passing out plastic bags for their clothing drive. As we walked to the car, you asked me what the bag was for. I told you it was to donate our clothes to the poor. You got very upset and yelled at me that I am not to get rid of Daddy's clothes!

Hannah. I feel so bad for you. While, Matthew and Megan are old enough to be able to go to group therapy, there is not much out there for you. You have recently wanted to be held a lot more by Mommy and Papa -"I wanna huggie and sit on your yap" you say. And just last night when you and Papa had date night at Dairy Queen, you started crying that you missed Daddy. You have been asking me several times a day when is Daddy coming home. You keep saying, "I wheel-y want Daddy to come home white now!" As much as I try to explain to you what forever means, you just can't grasp it yet.

And so I find myself working really hard to rehabilitate our family. I do not want death to define us anymore. As my bereavement counselor explained, I have to help you redefine your roles in our family without Daddy here. We have lost someone really special to us, and since we aren't going to get him back, we have to make up for it with each other. That does not mean we forget Daddy! We will never forget the important person that he was. Instead, we need to rebuild our family unit with just the four of us so that we can feel happy, healthy and whole again. I want people to know the amazing qualities you had even before Daddy died and not to look at you as the poor Weier kids who lost their dad. That is what I am focusing on right now - helping you to discover who you really are, what your likes and dislikes are, and continue to develop the core values that Daddy and I want you to possess. I am in constant touch with your teachers and social workers to keep tabs on how you are doing when at school. I check in with each of you several times a day to see how you are feeling. I try to create new traditions in our family to help us have fun and adventure while building "team Weier". We also started a new support group since Rainbows ended. We go to Herbie's Friends every Monday through the hospice program at St. Joes. It is a lot like Rainbows except that it is only for families who have lost a loved one from death. And Mommy gets to stay too. We have dinner together as a group and then break up into our age groups. Matthew and Megan each have their group and Mommy gets to go spend time with the other young widows/widowers and parents who have lost a child from death. I am so proud of each of you and how far we have come. I could not have gotten through these past ten months without you. People are so kind to keep telling Mommy how amazingly strong they think I am, but the truth is, I think the three of you are the amazing ones. You are my purpose in life and what keeps me going. I love you very much.

Love, Mommy